Co-regulating the dysregulated can be tough. Here are some things that help me do it.
Co-regulating a dysregulated person can be tough. I remember some of my first encounters with dysregulated teenagers and I didn't always get it right. It was exhausting and sometimes confronting.
Co-regulation is the process for a dysregulated person to soothe and manage distressing emotions and sensations through a supportive process with a caregiver.
I like to think of co-regulation as “lending our regulated nervous system to someone who’s own nervous system is dysregulated.” This can only occur when we are regulated ourselves. It's not necessarily "a given" or easy work when we are faced with dysregulated behaviour. As the co-regulator, we're trying to override our own reactivity, so we can support the needs of someone else. It takes knowledge, practice and self-awareness.
Here are some strategies that helped me do it.
Trauma-informed knowledge
I learn as much as I can about trauma, regulation and dysregulation. The more trauma-informed we are, the more we will understand why someone is dysregulated and why they may not be able to self-regulate. Knowledge supports us to have an empathetic response and to recognise the needs (not just the behaviour) of the person in front of us.
Respond with curiosity
Tapping into our own curiosity assists us to stay in our relational brain and respond with warmth and a sense of calm. Consider what may have triggered the dysregulation and what it must be like for this person to feel these big emotions and uncomfortable sensations. Some helpful statements can be around our noticing and our wonderings,
eg": “I notice that this is really hard for you right now, I am wondering if that is because ______”
Remember you are safe
Someone experiencing dysregulation has perceived a lack of safety and they're entering survival mode. It's very likely the threat they perceived is not also a threat to us. This is particularly true when we are supporting someone who has experienced complex childhood trauma. Their survival system is in overdrive.
Remind yourself that you are safe, the situation is safe and that this person will benefit from the safety cues we provide.
Understand your own regulation
Practice what we preach! Spend some time exploring the following questions:
What does my body feel like when I'm getting a little stressed?
What are my triggers?
What strategies help me to self-regulate?
Am I regulated so I can engage in co-regulation?
Allow yourself to be co-regulated by others
It's okay to not be the master co-regulator all of the time! We're human beings doing some tough work. When needed, give yourself the opportunity to borrow someone else's regulated nervous system for awhile.
Share the job of co-regulation.
Seek ways to upskill
You can always do that with us!
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