Navigating difficult conversations with parents and guardians (from a school leader who had lots of these convos)
If we are working in a role supporting children or young people (YP), then we are likely going to have contact with the adults in their lives. Sometimes, this can feel productive and positive, and other times, it can feel challenging and combative.
It might feel pretty stressful to talk to a guardian after their child was involved in an incident or to let a parent know that their YP left the school or their residential care home for the day.
I will never forget some of the tricky conversations I had to navigate with parents and guardians as a school leader. A lot of the adults in my student's lives had experienced childhood trauma or school-related trauma themselves, so it was important to consider how to navigate these conversations safely and productively.
I’m going to share some things that helped me prepare and facilitate these conversations that may help you, too.
Regulate
Engaging in this conversation could be causing the guardian stress or dysregulation. When someone is highly stressed or dysregulated, their capacity to engage in a meaningful conversation is inhibited. Consider ways to support the guardian to regulate before diving into the conversation.
Some ideas include:
Greet them at the entrance and walk side by side to get to an appropriate room (consider noise level and environment)
Offer them a glass of water (lowers cortisol)
Have fidgets available in the room (not just for kids)
Allow them to sit closest to the door (easy exit if they need to leave)
Ask them what they need before you begin
If this conversation is happening via the phone or online, consider the best time of day to engage with the parent and ask them what suits them best. We don’t want to choose a time that is already difficult for them (eg. 8.30am may not suit a busy parent getting their kids ready for school and out the door).
Be aware of power dynamics
Depending on the role you have and where you work, a parent or guardian may perceive you as an authority figure.
This could be from their own experience as a YP, eg. having negative experiences with teachers when they were in school. Or, it could be a reality of their current experience, eg. having social workers evaluate their capacity as a parent.
Look to them as someone you can learn from and offer support to, rather than someone you need to win an argument with.
Some helpful prompts:
What has worked in the past that could help now?
I’d love to hear your ideas so I can better support “YP”
What can we do to make this better?
Outcome and boundaries
Prior to meeting with the guardian, be clear on the desired outcome of the conversation. A useful tip is to focus on solutions and support, rather than consequences.
Commit to operating by your workplace values or code of conduct during the conversation, and expect the same from the guardian.
It is okay to end the conversation if it feels unsafe, disrespectful, or if the guardian remains dysregulated. Let them know why you are ending the conversation and that you will reschedule.
Communicate the good stuff
It is useful to have some positive communication with the guardian before we need to speak to them about a challenge.
Spend some time chatting with guardians, letting them get to know you, and telling them the good things you have noticed about their child or YP. A positive phone call home can support you to build rapport with guardians.
Include them as an expert of their own experience. We can ask for their input, their advice, and listen to what they would like to share with us.
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